Becoming Shelagh
by reginaouatmills23
Summary: Sister Bernadette slowly becomes Shelagh once again as her feelings for a certain doctor start to grow. (Just some ramblings about her feelings as the show goes on. Starts at S02E05)
1. Chapter 1

As they announced it was time for the three-legged race, Sister Bernadette saw Timothy's face fall as he looked around for his father, realizing he still had not returned. Her heart broke for the young boy. His head hanging, he started to walk away from the festivities. She rushed over to him.

"Where are you going, young sir? Didn't you hear it's time for your race?"

"But my father hasn't returned. I don't have a partner."

"Of course you do. I will run with you."

"You will?! Oh, thank you Sister!" he exclaimed, wrapping his arms around her.

"Well we had better get over there before they start without us." she says, leading him over to the starting line.

The race begun and they took off, wobbling towards the finish. Several steps in she heard a male voice rise above the others cheering in the crowd. Looking up, she sees Doctor Turner running along with them and cheering them on. She can see the other teams pulling behind out of her periferal vision. Doctor Turner joins them at the finish line and she misses a step causing herself and Timothy to fall to the ground as they cross the line.

"We won!" she exclaims, beaming at the young boy as he tries to get up and walk away.

"Timothy," the Doctor says, "You cant go anywhere. Now hold still." He reaches his hands out to untie them, stopping just short of their legs. Sister Bernadette leans over and unties her leg from Timothy's. Doctor Turner grabs her glasses that had fallen to the ground.

"Thank you Doctor." she says taking the glasses from him, careful to avoid any contact.

They both rise from the ground and he notices blood on her hand.

"You've hurt your hand."

Looking down, she realizes he is right. Not feeling the sting until she sees it.

"I'm sure there is no need to amputate. If you'll excuse me." she says, turning to go inside and clean her hand. She can feel his gaze on her back as she walks away. Taking a deep breath she forces herself to not turn around and look at him. She enters the kitchen and turns on the water and puts her hand under the stream. Closing her eyes she replays their short conversation in her head. She doesn't hear him come in and starts when he speaks.

"Would you like me to have a look at that?"

She pulls her hand from the water and despite knowing it is just a small scratch, she finds herself saying "Yes" and extending her hand towards him.

As if in slow motion he gently takes her hand. He runs his fingers around the wound and across her palm. She can feel her heartbeat quicken and is certain he must be able to hear it as well. Her breathing becomes more difficult as she tries to slow her heart. She sees him begin to lean forward and she realizes what he intends to do. Her heart pounds as his head comes closer to her hand, bringing his lips to her palm in a gentle kiss. She quickly turns away, pulling her hand out of his grasp.

"Im sorry, that was unforgiveable."

"Who is it who decides what is forgiveable and unforgiveable?"

"I think you know that better than I do."

"At this moment I only know that I'm not turning back on you because of you. I'm doing it because of him."

"And if I didn't accept that I wouldn't deserve to live."

She hears him walk away and it's only after she hears the rustling of the curtains that she dares turn back around. It occured to her that she was falling for the doctor. She tried to remember the first time she began to see him differently. Perhaps it was the night she had helped him deliver the twins and they shared a cigarette. Perhaps it had been before then. Regardless, she had fallen for him and had now begun to hope that he may feel the same. What else would have propelled him to kiss her hand? But what did this change? She was still a nun and could not act on these budding feelings. She shook her head hoping to dispell these thoughts as she walked back outside to rejoin the others.


	2. Chapter 2

The turnout at the X-Ray van had been better than any of them could have imagined. Replaying the day in her mind, she couldn't help but recall the look on Doctor Turner's face when she had helped the young girl get over her fear of the X-ray machine. His eyes shone with admiration and a hint of something else. It was in the midst of this momory that she heard a knock at her door.

"Sister Bernadette. Doctor Turner is here and would like to speak with you." Sister Jullianne spoke from the other side of the door.

Her heart skipped a beat. "Thank you Sister." she called. "I will be down in a moment." Her imagination went wild with images of him taking her in his arms and...No, she musn't think like this. She had taken vows to God. There was no room for a man in her life. She quickly prayed for forgiveness and made her way downstairs.

"Dr Tuner." She said in greeting, waking into the small room.

"Sister."

"Oh, what a day we had."

"Indeed."

She noticed the strange look on his face. What was it making him appear so sad and tortured? "Is all well?" she asked nervously.

"Would you mind sitting?"

"Of course."

They both take a seat and Doctor Turner opens his case and pulls out an X-Ray card, sliding it towards her.

Looking down at the card she notices what he is showing her. "This has my name on it."

"Yes." he confirms. "The lesions are small but there is more than one."

"I see." she replies, trying to keep her voice calm and even. "How many?"

"Dr McGuinnes counted 9 or10 in the upper lobe. But as you know this film is basic. you will need a more detailed chest xray. Have you had any symptoms?"

It takes her a moment to realize he has asked her a question. "No.. well, a little breathlessness maybe."

"No cough?"

"No. Nothing"

"I will need to carry out an examination."

"Yes." she manages to breathe out.

They join Sister Julianne in her office for the exam. Sister Bernadette looks at her mentor and is grateful to have her there. She slowly reaches up and removes her neck covering. She moves to undo the buttons on her outer garment she realizes she is unable to as her hands have begun to shake. Almost as much from the prospect of Doctor Turner touching her during the exam as the exam itself. Sister Julianne helps her with the buttons and is rid of the garment. Despite the removal of some of her habit she feels the room begin to heat as he steps behind her to start the examination. Her heart pounding in her ears as it did the afternoon in the Parish Hall. Although this time there is no doubt he will be able to hear her heart racing.

Doctor Turner carefully pulls on the back of her dress so he can listen to her lungs. "Breathe in," he intructs. "and out...and again."

She can feel her skin tingle and almost burn as his fingers graze against her bare skin. He walks around her and gently folds the corner of her dress so that he can listen again. She turns her head, unable to look at him.

"Crackles." he says slowly. "On both sides. I've arranged an X-ray for you in the morning. It might be more convienent if I drive you."

She slowly begins to rebutton her dress as he speaks.

"Thank you, Doctor." she hears Sister Julianne say, accepting the Doctor's offer for her.

"You don't need to do that." Sister Bernadette says, not wanting to cause him any more bother than she already had.

"I'll drive you." He tells her, putting an end to the discussion.

She doesn't register him gathering his things and leaving. She mechanically redresses and heads upstairs to her room. Her skin still tingling from his touch, she begins to wonder if this is God's punishment for her feelings toward the doctor.

She doesn't remember getting herself ready for bed but the next thing she knows, Sister Julianne is placing a hot mug of Horlicks on her beadside table. There is a knock on the door and Jane nervously peeks her head in and tells the head nun that she is needed at a delivery. Sister Bernadette tells her to go, that she doesn't want anything to change because of her. She continues to stare at the wall as her friend and mentor leaves the room. She feels the tears well in her eyes and begin to fall. She makes no effort to wipe them away, staring straight ahead.

She stays in this position til hours later she hears Sister Julianne open the door to check on her. "Oh my dear girl." she says rushing in to her friend. She sits on the bed and gathers the small woman in her arms.

Sister Bernadette leans into the woman she has come to love like a mother and the sobbing begins anew. She falls asleep crying in the older womans arms.


	3. Chapter 3

She awakes the next morning with a headache from crying herslf to sleep. The events of the night before come flooding back and she curls back under the blankets. A few minutes pass and there is a gentle knock on the door. Sister Julianne walks in and quietly walks towards the bed. She kneels down next to the bed and places her hand on her young friend's shoulder.

"I wish I could let you continue to sleep, my dear. But Doctor Turner will soon be here to take you-"

Sister Bernadette sits up and stops her mid-sentence. "Thank you Sister. For last night. I don't know what I would do without your strength and friendship."

"Would you like me to stay and help you get ready for the day?"

"No thank you. I believe I will be alright enough to manage on my own."

After dressing she makes her way down to wait for the Doctor. She decides to wait in the parlor as she knows she will not be able to eat a thing for her nerves. She returns to prayer until Sister Julianne tells her that the Doctor has arrived.

There are no words spoken between them as she gets into his car and they head towards the hospital. There is such tension in the air and she can read the torment on his face. What could he be thinking? They hadn't spoken since he told her the news. Oh, how she wanted to lean into him and cry into his shoulder. But she could not so she continues to stare ahead as he drove along.

As they arrive at the hospital, Sister Bernadette cannot bring herself to get out of the car. She hears the doctor get out and make his way to her side. He opens the door and holds out his hand for her. She takes his hand and feels the electricity course through her.

"Thank you, Doctor. For bringing me. You really didn't need to go through the touble."

"It was no trouble at all Sister. Shall we go in?"

"I suppose we shall."

They make their way inside and Doctor Turner gets her registered. The doctors call her in to begin the exam.

"I will just wait here for you to be done Sister."

"Oh, Doctor you really don't have to."

"I will wait here." he says, taking a seat.

The rest of the morning is a blur of blood tests and X-Rays. They had confirmed the illness and arrangements were made for her to be treated at St. Anne's Sanatorium. The doctor had waited for her all day and for that she was grateful. There were no words needed. Just having him there was a great comfort to her. He drove her back to Nonnatus House to collect her things and then he would take her for her stay at the sanatorium.

She slowly took the stairs up to her room and began packing her things. As a nun she didn't have many possessions but she was taking everything she had with her. They had not told her how long she was going to be away so she was preparing to be gone for a long while. After a quick glance around the room that had been hers for the last several years, she turned and left the room.

She went to Sister Julianne's office to say her goodbyes. After several minutes of crying and hugs, Sister Bernadette made her way to the front door. She could not bring herself to say goodbye to the others. She was so drained of energy. Stepping out the door, Doctor Turner rushed to her side to take her suitcase from her. He put his hand out to her to help steady her as they went down the steps. He stopped himself from actually touching her but she could feel the heat radiating off of him. She couldn't help but think that this may be the last time she leaves Nonnatus House. Shaking her head, she tries to clear her mind of the thought.

He places her case in the boot and helps her into the passenger seat. Once again the drive is silent. Her mind races through the last several weeks and feels the need to say something, anything to the man sitting next to her but she cannot bring herself to do so. They arrive at the sanitorium and he rounds the car handing her the suitcase. She thanks him and makes her way towards the building. She refuses to look back at him, knowing that if she does, she will run back to him and never let go. She hears the slam of his car door and the start of the engine. As her hand reaches the door, she can hear the car driving away. With a deep breath she turns the handle and steps inside.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been a week since he had dropped her off at the sanatorium. A week of thoughts of him. A week of prayers for forgiveness of those thoughts. She had been through several more tests and her first treatment was scheduled for the next day. She sat in the parlor with her Bible open in her lap, though she did not look at it.

She was lost in thought when she heard her name called. "What is it now?" she thought. "I thought I was done for the day." A nurse walked over to her and handed her several letters.

"Your mail, Sister."

"Thank you, Nurse."

She immediately recognized the neat script of Sister Julianne on the first letter. Moving to open it, she glanced at the next letter and gasped. She had seen this handwritting on countless patient files. Her heart skipped a beat. She couldn't bring herself to open it. What would he be writing to her about? What if it was nothing along the lines of her own thoughts? What if it was? She wasn't sure which option made her more scared. Setting the letter aside, she returned to Sister Julianne's letter.

She had set his letter on her bedside table upon returning to her room and now, laying in bed she couldn't take her eyes off of it. She still hadn't opened it and wasn't sure if she ever would. She turned to face the other wall. "Out of sight out of mind," she thought to herself. Closing her eyes she turned her thoughts to the other letters she had recieved. Before long she was sound asleep.

Days turned to weeks and each week brought a new letter. She kept them in a drawer, still unopened. As the treatments continued her energy drained. She hated the idyllness that filled her days but she used this time for prayer. She knew that she was not questioning her faith in God, rather the path he was wanting her to take. She still felt his love in all she did. She just wasn't sure of what to do with that love. Was she to continue in her service to Him as a nun and midwife or was there another path set for her?

She had grown tired of the nurse's questions about his letters. They were causing her enough trouble without it. She knew it was time to talk to Sister Julienne. She asked to make a call and arrange for a visit.

After her visit with Sister Julienne, she felt better than she had in months. She finally knew what her next step would be. She was rid of the disease that had forced her away from her home and it was time to return. Sister Juliwnne had told her that arrangements would be made for her to spend some time at the mother house to finish her recovery. The relief of finally knowing as well as well as the absence of the disease allowed her to breathe easier.

After Sister Julienne's visit she was finally able to open his letters. She pulled them out of the drawer and brought them out to the sitting room. She had kept them in order and had twelve in all. Turning them over she ran her hands along the writing on the envelope before tearing open the first letter. Her smile grew as she she read. She took her time reading them and as she did she knew she would read them again and again. The letters always began by saying he was unsure what compelled him to write but that he felt he must do so. He would recount the many births he had been to. She was glad to be kept appraised of things in Poplar. She had been kept up to date by the others at Nonnatus, but she had always particularly enjoyed the more difficult cases, of which the doctor was able to recount in more detail. He mentioned Timothy, who had asked about her often.

All too soon she had read them all but the last, which had arrived just that afternoon. She paused, letting the emotions she felt run though her mind and heart. There was no longer any denying the love in her heart. With a smile on her face she opened the last letter.

 _Sister Bernadette,_

 _I cannot believe it has been 3 months since I have last seen you. It feels like an eternity. I feel the sting of disappointment each time I am called to a case and you are not there waiting for me. I miss working with you. Don't tell the others but you were always the most talented midwife at Nonnatus. Your skills and compassion always put the mothers at ease. We deeply feel your absence._

 _Timothy continues to ask about you each time we see the Sisters and nurses. He was very touched that you took an interest in his butterfly and has your picture in a frame next to his bed. I have never before felt jealous of my son until he recieved that card from you. I thank you for showing him such care. He so needs a woman's love and care. I wish you could have seen his face when he got your note._

 _I cannot stop replaying that day in the Parish Hall kitchen in my mind. I feel so guilty for the way I acted. There is really no excuse I can give you. I had not intented to kiss your hand. I don't remember making the decision to follow you inside, I just found myself there with you. When you reached out your hand to me, I had every intention of just examining your wound. Once I had your hand in mine, it was as if I was no longer in control. My heart took over and I found myself leaning towards your hand. I hadn't realized what I was doing until you turned away from me. Your words about turning away from me because of Him have filled me with such hope since that day._

 _The day of the X-ray van has to be one of the worst days of my life. I so enjoyed working with you (as I always do). Words cannot express the way I felt when I saw your name on the x-ray card. Being able to save you made the entire ordeal of the van worth it. I am glad we were able to detect the others but for you I am most grateful. I cannot bear to think what may have happend if we had not found the legions in your lungs. The thought of not having you around makes it difficult to breathe. Thankfully we were able to find them and provide you with the proper treatments._

 _As I have not recieved any reply to my letters, I am not even sure if you are reading them. Just the process of writing to you has made me feel enormously better. I sincerely hope that you will soon be back with us in Poplar, regardless of what happens when you return._

 _My dearest regards,_

 _P. Turner._

As she finished reading the final letter, she felt tears gathering in her eyes. The day in the Parish Hall kitchen had sparked a flame that she hadn't known was within her. Now, after reading his words it was burning with the heat and intensity of a forrest fire. She carfully gathered the letters together and made her way back to her room.

She places them on her bedside table and climbs into her bed. She closes her eyes and for the first time, she knows she will not feel guilty about the dreams she knows she will be having.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters belong to the BBC.

She finally recieved her old suitcase in the post. Opening it on her bed, she ran her hands over the only things that truly belonged to her. She could remember packing up this suitcase as if it were yesterday. She had put on her habit and wimple and had worn them everyday for the last ten years. She was Shelagh then and now she had to figure out who she was now.

She had been using her old name in her head to get used to it again. She had imagined how it would sound when he said her name. Oh, how she couldn't wait to hear him use her name. Would he like it? Now that she thought about it, she realized that she doesn't know his name either. He had always been Doctor Turner to her. He had signed his final letter "P. Turner". She had been up half the night trying to think what his name could be.

After putting on her old clothes, she was faced with the problem of what to do with her hair. It would be too much of a change to wear it all down. She decided she would wear it up, just as she had under her habit. Looking in the mirror, she knew it would take some adjusting to get used to seeing herself like this.

She had been thinking about what Sister Julienne had said about staying at the Mother House in Chichester but she didn't want to waste any more time. She gathered her things, able to discern what path she was to take. She knew what she wanted and stepped out into the hallway. She could feel the other patients and the nurses eyes on her as she walked towards the phone. She kept her eyes on the phone, determined to ignore them.

She reached the phone and felt her heart beat faster as she dialed the number to the surgery. She had memorized it years ago for emergency situations when the doctor was needed. Her heart was pounding so loud in her ears she almost didn't hear him answer the phone. Startled out of her thoughts she said the first thing that came to her mind.

"I've been discharged."

She explained that she had decided to return to Poplar rather than to the Mother House. She felt twinges of hope when he scolded her over taking the bus from the sanatorium. Her hopes were dashed when he was called to a patient. She would have to take the bus and wait to see him.

She gathered her bags and took a deep breath before opening the door and stepping outside. Once outside the gates, she paused took a deep breath. Smiling, she headed for the bus stop.

She felt so foolish having to stop the bus. How could she have gotten the wrong one? The names of the stops were all wrong. She got off and turned around, walking back towards the sanitorium. She had felt so much better after hearing his voice on the phone. She hadn't realized how much she missed it. Although disappointed that he wasn't able to come and collect her, hearing his voice had filled her with determination.

She continued walking and found the fresh air invigorating. Instead of waiting for the correct bus she decided to continue walking until the next stop. She had been cooped up for so long, she was glad for the exersice. She kept a slow pace, careful not to overexert herself. Her bags were beginning to feel heavier and she wasn't sure how long she had been walking.

She heard a car coming behing her and she slightly moved more to the side of the road. She listened to the engine slowing and turned her head. The sight of the familiar green car made her heart skip a beat. Turning to face the car she set her bags down, unable to take her eyes off of him. He had come. For her. Her mind racing yet time seemed to slow. She watched him get out of the car, not even noticing Timothy in the front seat. He jogged towards her and hesitated for just a moment before resting his hand on her forehead. She closed her eyes and let out a breath. She reveled in his touch. She had longed for it for so long. The months away had been a blessing and a curse. Standing here with him, she couldn't say why she had been so unsure of the path her life must take. Of course this was where she belonged. Here, with him.

"I was lost" Those words held so much meaning. Yes, she had been lost on the road but also in her life. She had felt lost those long months in the convent. She was trapped between her vows to God and her heart. She had begun to desire things she had never thought of before. Love. Marriage. Family. Him. He had found her in the midst of it all. As he wrapped her in his coat, she could feel his warmth envelop her. His scent gathered around her. It was a mix of cigarettes, antiseptic and something distinctly him. She would recognize that smell anywhere. She had memorized it as he had driven her to the hospital that morning months ago.

"I know you so little but I couldn't be more certain."

"I am completely certain. I don't even know your name."

"Shelagh."

"Patrick."

"There. We've made a start."

They stood there staring into each others eyes for what felt like an eternity and no time at all. They slowly inched towards each other until he wrapped his arms around her and she rested her head against his chest. This is where she belonged. She had told Sister Julienne that she wasn't sure where her home was but now she knew. He was her home. She had never felt more safe.

Neither heard the car door open and Timothy step out. "Dad, come on. It's cold." They both turned toward the boy and smiled, the moment broken. There would be plenty of time for them to talk once they returned home. Patrick grabbed her suitcases and led her towards the car, telling Timothy to move to the back seat.

"Hello Timothy. It's lovely to see you again."

"I'm glad you're coming home, Sister-wait, are you still Sister Bernadette or just Bernadette now?"

Shelagh smiled, "No, Sister Bernadette was the name I chose when I became a nun. It is symbolic of leaving your old life behind. My name is Shelagh. I'm sure it will take everyone a bit of getting used to, even me. It's been so long since anyone has used my real name."

Patrick had stowed her bags in the boot and returned to the driver's seat. After smiling at his two passengers, he started the engine and turned the car around. It was time to go home. Together.

As they drove along, Timothy chatted about the things he had learned at school while she was away. Patrick and Shelagh kept sneaking glances at each other as their hands inched closer together. She kept saying his name over and over in her mind. _Patrick. Dr. Patrick Turner_. It suited him well. She looked down at their hands and moved hers the last inch towards his, letting her fingers gently graze his. Oh, how wonderful it was to be able to touch him. Her fingers felt the electricity flowing from his. She knew there were so many things for her to so once they reached Poplar, but for now, she was going to enjoy being with the man she loved.


	6. Chapter 6

**These beloved characters do not belong to me. All credit goes to Jennifer Worth, the BBC, and Heidi. I'm just borrowing them for a bit.**

 **I'm sorry it has taken so long for me to update. I have been working on making some videos and then had a sinus infection that put me out for several days.**

As they parked the car next to Nonnatus House, Shelagh was brought back to the day she first entered the Order. That was the last time she had felt this nervous. She hadn't told Sister Julienne that she was returning to Poplar instead of going to the Mother House. She feared what the woman she came come to think of as a Mother would say. She looked at the man sitting beside her as he reached over and gave her hand a reasuring squeeze. She took a deep breath and stepped out of the car. She slowly made her way up the familiar steps and rang the bell.

She could see the confusion and then the recognition on Nurse Franklin's face. She asked if she could see Sister Julienne in her office. She was lead to a chair outside the office to wait. After several minutes the door opened and Sister Julienne ushered her in. Shelagh explained why she felt she didn't need to visit the Mother House to determine which path she needed to take. Again emphasizing that it was not a loss of faith that she was suffering, rather a different path lay ahead for her. Taking several deep breaths, she asked that she be able to sign the neccesary paperwork.

The pen felt like led as she lifted it to sign her name. Her real name. She would nevermore be referred to as 'Sister Bernadette'. As she removed the ring that had been the symbol of her vows to God, she smiled inwardly realizing that soon it may be replaced by another. She politely declined the offer to use the chapel as there were many things that needed to be done before the day was over. Slowly they stood and moved to the side of the desk. Overcome with emotion, Shelagh stepped into the older woman's arms. She turned around and slowly made her way out of the office.

As she made her way towards the front door, she could hear whispers coming from the kitchen. Careful not to make a sound, Shelagh tiptoed out the door and shut it behind her. Her meeting with Sister Julienne had taken a lot out of her and she was not sure she could face the others just yet. Making her way down the steps, she smiled seeing Patrick leaning against the car waiting for her.

He opened the door for he and she climbed in, noticing Timothy asleep in the back seat. She turned her head smiling at Patrick as he got into the driver's seat. He reached out his hand to her and she noticed that he was no longer wearing his wedding ring. She rubbed her thumb over his finger in a silent question. "It was time." He whispered, careful not to wake his son. A blush crept across her face as he started the car.

"Where to?" he asked.

"I suppose I need to find a place to stay. I do have a bit of money-"

"Please, allow me to pay for this, Shelagh."

"Patrick, no. I can handle it."

"I insist. I want to do this for you. You save what you have for other things. Allow me to care for this. Please."

"Oh, all right. Thank you."

They pulled away from the convent and their hands met in the middle of the seat. Two hours later, Shelagh had a room at a boarding house. After convincing Patrick that she would be okay on her own for a few hours, she sent him off to go on his rounds. As she emptied her suitcase she began to make a list of the clothing items she was going to need. Even keeping her list to the bare minimun, she knew it would take a big portion of her funds. She was glad that Patrick had insisted on paying for her room, she wasn't sure she would have been able to purchase all she would need otherwise. She found herself feeling tired from the busy day's activities. She leaned over her bed to say a prayer before laying down for a quick nap. As she drifted to sleep, her thoughts were filled with him, no guilt this time.


End file.
